Family Fish Feud

[rthstewart]

So, I vented on Twitter and a bit on Tumblr but here is the whole, ugly story. 

My husband, LST, is the second of 5 children.  His mom, my MIL, lives in a condo in Minnesota.  Her daugher, K and her husband S and their daughter Mac, all live there too and are quite thick.  S and Mac are both pescatarians, which is interesting because the family Does Not Cook and both K and her daughter show lots of disordered eating, daughter learning from her mother.  Last year, we had gift opening at their home -- the first time in many years they've hosted anything, though the extended family all comes to MN for Christmas.  As mentioned K Does Not Cook and cannot shop or outsource, either.  So for food, they served, in a lovely tray, Hershey Chocolate kisses, M&Ms and chocolate espresso beans, this being K's idea of food.  We were told to bring our own meal and they would have take out menus -- which they did not. 

There is sister E who is very odd and her boyfriend X.  There is me, LST and our spawn, T3.  There is the other DC family, my husband's brother M, his wife N (who I have historically referred to as either Hot House Orchid or Turkish Prison Guard -- she is a Turk and is VERY high maintenance) , and their children, my niece the Vegan who I've written about before and their son L, who is a drug addict.  FUN, right?

And then there is the Wisconsin contingent, my husband's youngest sister M, her husband A and their three delightful and indestructible children.  Their whole family has a bundle of allergies.  Dogs, cats, shellfish, melon, and fish and other things.  Wisconsin brother in law A has the fish allergy and it's gotten much, much worse in the last year.  As in, 2 ER visits, 6 reactions, and the last time, his birthday present was an allergic reaction after sitting next to his son who had eaten (past tense) fish tacos.  In other words, A's fish allergy is now airborne.

Now, although K and S refuse to host and my MIL HATES having people in her home, we still all travel to MN every year for Christmas.  Because they all hate to cook or host, I've taken over Christmas cooking duty the last few years.  I bring supplies from home, including cooking pots, knives, and spices, buy the food and make it in my MIL's condo.  It's not hugely successful but I've managed to make Christmas dinner work and have, over the years, gotten better at it, simplified it, and learned to accommodate the different allergies and food preferences without any problem -- as one does when one is a normal empathetic human being who does not wish to send guests to the hospital.

My MIL, sister K and her husband S are not normal or empathetic.  They collectively decided that there must be fish at the Christmas dinner I was cooking.  They were going to bring it already prepared, despite my pointing out that really cooked fish wasn't going to hold for that long in a Pyrex cooking dish and warming pads.  And then, when sister M said, could we please just skip the fish so that my husband doesn't go to the ER when we take the lid off the cooked fish?

And, MIL, sister K and husband S ... refused.  MIL looked on the Internet and determined that in her considered non-medical judgment, fish allergies weren't that bad.  "A cleaned fish over the summer!"  [and went to the ER that night] Sister K said that her husband and daughter should be able to eat their fish on Christmas Eve even if it would endanger a family member and my MIL said to daughter M, well, fish is more important that your family's health, so you can just leave before we eat. 

So, they did.  I gave them a cherry pie to take home and they ate it with spoons in the mini van on the 6 hour drive home on Christmas Eve -- wtihout dinner.

The angels of my better nature lost and I sabotaged the already cooked fish by letting it sit to reheat in a 350 degree oven for 45 minutes -- which would have been enough to cook raw fish.  The final sad, shriveled Trade Joe's fillets were dry as ash and gross.  Don't piss off the one person who knows how to cook.

Also bizarre was that everything except the main course meat was either vegan or vegetarian and I HAD A VEGAN MAIN COURSE but MIL and Sister K insisted that pescatarians wouldn't eat vegan?  WTF?  The vegan main course was, of course, vastly better than the shriveled fish.  "They won't eat vegan bread" my MIL said.  And I"m like, ARE YOU SO MORONIC YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IS IN BREAD??  To which the answer was, yes, in fact, they don't know what is in bread. 

So yes, it was awful and I'm really not sure what's going to happen next year.  If I were M and A, there's no way I'd go back.  I certainly don't want to and the other family here is pretty pissed too. 

I once wrote a short story, Culinary Diplomacy, about the stress of hosting a party for 25 guests, some of whom were variations on gluten-free, vegetarian, nut-free, and dairy free.  It was REALLY hard but by gawd I did it and the number one paramount rule of hosting is DON'T SEND YOUR GUESTS TO THE ER. 

Comments

[adaeze]

Oh good grief!

(mind you, my grandmother used to make bread with a little lard rubbed in, so not only not vegan, not even vegetarian. It was excellent).

[rthstewart]

Oh yes! I don't use lard in baking but my enriched breads will have egg and/or butter. But you can do a whole lot of bread without flour, water, salt, yeast, and maybe olive oil. They are idiots -- and not very kind ones.

[alexseanchai]

*lost for words*

[rthstewart]

IKR?

Sigh

[dialecticdreamer]

You have my sympathies. When my allergy developed, my SIL was the one taking over the Big Holiday Meal. EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING on the menu, down to the snacks, had my allergen in it save for the can of mixed nuts hubby opened for me, and the jellied cranberry sauce in a can-- SIL had mixed allergen into the opened can of cranberry sauce with mashed berries in it.

I ate a meal six hours later, at Jack in the Box, on the drive home.

NO, we did not go back, and I certainly ENCOURAGE you to tell that branch of the family to do the same.

It isn't that it's life-threatening (for your relative, it is).

It isn't that it's viciously selfish to insist on something dangerous to other guests (it is).

It's that it shows utter disregard for the person with an allergy as a member of the family.

Get your schedule clear some other day, have a private visit with that branch of the family, and do things you all enjoy. That's more important than any date on a calendar.

Re: Sigh

[rthstewart]

Oh my goodness, how AWFUL. I am so sorry for you. I'm still in shock from this and the more I dwell on it, the worse it gets? how can someone be so unrepentantly and unashamedly terrible?

[writerkit]

Have you seen the "Dealing with In-Laws" group on Babycenter? Because I feel like you might appreciate it-- group heading is "DWIL Nation" and it's a whole forum of people who have in-laws like that.

But yeah, I'd be in the "don't go back" camp too. Actions have consequences; the consequences for acting like that is that their family doesn't want to spend time with them anymore.

[rthstewart]

I do feel badly about all this personally. This is my family -- mine and my son's. My own is distant and weird -- both parents gone and my sister went down a Fox News, anti-vax, homeschooling, anit-immigrant rabbit hole after our mother's death. I'm mad that our family is being torn about grossly dangerous and inconsiderate behavior over FISH one meal a year.

[brokenallbroken]

JFC, I would never again visit anybody who puts their food preferences over anybody's life. And not just because the next time it could be mine.

[rthstewart]

Yep, exactly. WHO DOES THIS???

[branchandroot]

o_o

O_O

...yeah, allow me to lend you my /whole rack/ of freshly sharpened kitchen knives. Good /grief/.

I gotta admit, this is absolutely the point at which I would be saying, “Honey, this is not a safe environment, let’s do holidays at home next year”.

[rthstewart]

Yes, this is why I wanted sharpened knives.

[edenfalling]

YIKES.

Do not go back there. It is a lost cause at this point unless there is significant change on the other parties' side, and that's never going to happen unless they encounter consequences to their actions. And as consequences go, family members (your family, M & A's family, M & N's family, maybe E & X) having a nice get-together somewhere else that doesn't include people who are totally okay with poisoning their relatives, is pretty damn mild.

[rthstewart]

It's just awful. Ultimately it will be the decision of M&A's family but I just can't see them going through this again and I don't know what the rest of us will do. We discussed getting together ourselves, next year. I'm not sure what my spouse will do -- he's deeply tied to a need for his mother's approval and continues to sort of shake his head and say, well, it's not really my mom's fault -- my sister's put her in the middle of this. To which I try shaking him and saying NO that's NOT WHAT HAPPENED. I'm glad we've got about 10 months to work through this but it requires an apology that I don't see coming.

[redrikki]

This year at Thanksgiving, my cousin decided to do the turkey. Normally, my mother does all the Thanksgiving cooking, but this year she was not up for it, so we spread around the cooking duties. My sister is allergic to onions, like, go to the hospital allergic. While my mom and I knew that and I made the stuffings accordingly, no one told my cousin who proceeded to stuff an onion up the turkey's butt making the whole thing inedible for my sister. Luckily, I noticed the onion before she could eat it and die, but sis was less than pleased.

[rthstewart]

AHHHHHH. I'm so sorry. This is something I always ask people coming. Are there any allergies? Are there any sensitivities? What do I need to know so you can enjoy a meal in my home.

[izzy]

Incredible. Adding to the "urge them to not go back" chorus.

One single member of my mom's side of the family is celiac, so we all make sure we have several things that are safe for him to eat. It really isn't that hard.

[rthstewart]

IT'S NOT THAT HARD and of course we do these things for guests in our homes and for loved ones and even family members!

[umadoshi]

*boggles in horror*

[rthstewart]

Just. WHO DOES THIS?

[petra]

What a mess. You don't need me to tell you to refuse to go back, but you've got me anyway. Thank you for sabotaging the fish and giving the departing family a pie; those were heartening details in this facepalm-inducing narrative.

[rthstewart]

I felt awful and my SIL was devastated. Her mother sent her a text that said, well, you should just leave then so your sister's husband can have fish. My MIL did try to tell me after they left that it was for the best "because of the kids" and I told her flatly, no, it wasn't, it was awful and it should have never happened and they were told that one person having fish was more important than someone's health and not wanting to go to the ER on Christmas. My other sister in law and her boyfriend, who had obviously been hearing the pro-fish side -- and I mean, how can there be a a pro fish side here? -- tried much the same. "Oh surely, there was something that could have been done. They didn't have to leave if they'd been on opposite sides of the tiny condo." And I hit back hard -- "No, it's airborne. Did your sister neglect to mention that? He reacts to sitting next to someone. And, as a hostess, someone who prides herself on throwing parties, would you ever do this to a guest in your home and endanger their health?"
In a passive aggressive family this isn't something people ever say. But I was PISSED.

[yalumesse]

I'm sorry, wow, that is fucking awful. I hope M and A don't try to play nice and hold boundaries and don't go back. Ever. Is there any way you and the nice parts of your husband's family can get together without The Poisoners Inc? ugh :(

And kudos on sabotaging the fish. Excellent just desserts

[rthstewart]

In reading all this and everyone's reactions, one thing that I'm struck with is the unmitigated awfulness of my MIL and the pescatarian in laws and how unbelievably painful this is for my SIL M, her husband, and their family. This is her sister and her mother who are doing this to her family. It's AWFUL.

[beatrice_otter]

Wow. That's ... that's really something.

[rthstewart]

I know, right? Who does this?

[gingicat]

Go you for ruining the fish.

OMG.

[rthstewart]

It was so gross. The BIL ate it out of spite and possibly because he has no idea what food tastes like. His daughter was going to only eat the terrible fish (she mimics her mother's disordered eating) until I told her that, in fact, everything else on the buffet was vegetarian-friendly except the meat and so she went back, ignored the fish, and ate everything else. An aside when we went out to dinner as we were getting up to leave, the parents who created this fuss suddenly exclaimed, "oh shit, we have a daughter!" who was, at that moment hanging out with her cousins about 10 miles away at a hotel. The parents went home and 82-year old grandma went out to pick her up at the hotel to bring her home because her parents couldn't be bothered). So they are terrible to their siblings, their mother, their inlaws and their daughter.

[watersword]

Murder them. No jury would convict you.

[rthstewart]

Too bad there's no life threatening allergy on that side.

[generalleia]

I just... I can't even understand how someone could be that awful that they think their FOOD is more important than SOMEONE'S LIFE.

"The angels of my better nature lost and I sabotaged the already cooked fish by letting it sit to reheat in a 350 degree oven for 45 minutes -- which would have been enough to cook raw fish. The final sad, shriveled Trade Joe's fillets were dry as ash and gross. Don't piss off the one person who knows how to cook."

I am standing and applauding you.

[rthstewart]

I wish I'd done more.

[ilyena_sylph]

This is horrific.

And I hear about this kind of bullshit So Fucking Often and I Just Don't Understand.

How can you do this to someone you supposedly care about?

I can't even imagine doing something like that to complete. Fucking. Strangers. Let alone Family!!!!!!

One of my aunts is allergic to soy (so can't have margarine). My mother is violently reactive to butterfat (so can't have butter). Guess what? We make things with canola oil.

Mom is allergic to aspartame, one is diabetic. Guess what: we make one bowl of a dessert with regular jello, one with sugar-free.

Like. Is it annoying? Sure! Is it worth it for everyone to be safe, happy, and healthy?

FUCK YES!

[jaina]

Holy shit, that's awful. May I suggest a visit to r/JustNoMIL and/or r/JustNoFamily-- they have a lot of great resources in their sidebars for dealing with this sort of thing, both with the badly-behaving in-laws and with LST.

[sabrina]

If something will send people to the ER... this should not be hard? O.O

[katharhino]

If I’m hosting I would try to avoid making things people don’t LIKE, let alone things THAT COULD KILL THEM. 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

[pru]

I realize this is days old news at this point but this feels like a Captain Awkward special here. Your allergic relatives were very deeply wronged here by the pescatarians. Wouldn't be surprised if they opted to never go back. I certainly wouldn't.

I feel like your poor husband is going to have to choose.