Chapter 8, Two Hearts Day, H&M

[rthstewart]

So, I've done two things this weekend.  Work and fiddle with this chapter in my very sparse downtime.  Chapter 8 was clocking in at 17,000 words, so I've split it.  The first part of this chapter has been seen before here on the LJ, but it's tweaked with different spin and dialogue in places and more context that is consistent with the story.  I'll add comments to the anonymous reviewers shortly.

Thank you all, so much.  It means the world to me that  you are reading and commenting. 

And, on to anonymous reviewers Flavia and AM:

Flavia noted that with Edmund living closer to the way the real people do, with his lowly status, that perhaps he has a greater appreciate for Susan's domestic management. Further, you ask how Edmund deals with Morgan's devotion to her career and the extent to which his intelligence and ego conflict over this. The answer to the first question is reflected in the bigger Stone Gryphon work. In fact, Edmund does have a greater appreciation for Susan, though not necessarily domestic management specifically as he takes little notice of it, at least at first. You raise an interesting question, though, and that's one I'll keep in mind as I move forward through Apostolic Way.

As to the second point, there is not a lot of emotional self awareness in this couple. Something that started as a joke in By Royal Decree is actually a very important point in their relationship, that Edmund is not "Father, Brother, or Peter." For Morgan, she has zeroed in on Edmund with the same single minded zeal that she affords everything else. She will never give him cause to doubt her -- which started really as just a bash on the inevitable love triangle stories but has become something more. One reason why he is comfortable with her career so to speak is that he is very confident of her devotion and loyalty.

AM noted a couple of things. She noted that By Royal Decree seems a bit without plot in comparison to the plot heavy parts of Harold and Morgan, and that I don’t really build up more of the world, like the smashball game and banking regulations. She further wondered why I don’t tweak things and take my writing pro or self-publish.

BRD is plot thin because it was supposed to be one thing, a big joke on Edmund with the traitorous bitch in the corset. I would kill the Hound off in Part 1 of TSG and so this was Jina’s backstory. Morgan was introduced for one reason only, I wanted to do the riff on Edmund’s titles in Chapter 3 and he needed to say it to someone. Enter Morgan. It was never intended to carry a plot. When I started H&M, by chapter 4, I sensed that readers really disliked the story and so dropped it, perceiving, in comparison to the popularity of BRD, that the plot heavy qualities were part of the problem. I was going to drop this story until E asked for birthday fic and Anastigmat wrote Deny the Child. The plot of the Lone Islands part of the story has been drastically scaled back. The point of the story is how Harold and Morgan get to the end, what Edmund hears at the Wall of Lilies and how he carries this relationship forward into Spare Oom. It also reflects my view of the transition after the Four leave.

As for the pro fic. Hmmm. Well, been there, done that, got the t shirt, so to speak. Actually, a lot of t shirts. There was a time when I stood at the precipice and could have tried expanding my nascent pro fiction. The ducks had lined up. I decided to not go any further than I had. I do write professionally in technical fields and fan fic is what I love. So thanks, but this is where I'll be!

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Ooh, I got to enjoy this chapter with a newly opened bottle of wine. And now I get to review it, slightly tipsy. I had already read the Two Hearts Day portion you previously published (try typing that three times fast while slightly inebriated), but oh, the new stuff that has since followed... Though the truly tender moments can be few and far between for these two stunted individuals, when they do come up, they're oh so satisfying. Because I'm of the melancholic sort, I immediately thing of the adolescent boy of TSG dealing with memories such as these. Heart wrenching. Truly. I'm glad you picked up H&M again, though I was fortunate enough to not have had to suffer through the hiatus, having just found your work a couple of weeks ago. Looking forward to Part 2!

--Indil

[min023.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love this story. For mine, the attraction is that there's lots of plot. Yes, the witty dialogue is definitely part of it, but it's the whole package for me.

I really like what you did with expanding this chapter from the snippet - it's really clever, and now there's a whole new lauching point for the next part of the story. Oh, and the father, brother, Peter bit just dropped with a very big clang. Didn't really think about Morgan's father or brother. Wonderful, as always.

[the_rck]

The chapter link isn't working for me. It's giving me a ff.net error message. I don't know why. The other comments are giving me the impression that other people are getting through.

from Krystyna

[(Anonymous)]

As you write much faster then I comment, this time – three in one.
All the comments are in no particular order – just as I thought about it.

Morgan’s father is more or less a person we would expect him to be – knowing what is his job and that he is quite good at it. But her brother could be anyone, so he deserves few words: I like him and I like the way you write about him. At the beginning he is very younger-brotherish – nearly to the fault (but at least he’s cute) – but shortly we start to treat him as a person on his own.
I do understand Narnians. Alan has something for which you want to slap him. Constance is just as charming as he is, but at least she’s perceptive – and that makes her an interesting person.
I like the phrase ”plausible deniability”. If you invented it – good job. If not – thank you for introducing it to me.
Adding a sentence or half of it about details of code, taxes, accountings etc. here and there is a good idea (like: „Edmund had not bothered studying that part of Tile 52, Section 355a because it had been too dull and not at all relevant since he proposed just drawing a big charcoal line through it and eliminating it all.” or „The Handball Guidebook was nearly as long as, and more impenetrable than, Subtitle C of the Tax Code.”). It is irrelevant to the plot and usually we have no idea what are they talking or thinking about, but it doesn’t allow us to forget where we are.
Edmund resigned, reconciled to his fate is quite adorable – and even more when he unexpectedly puts everybody in proper place – like when using pluralis maiestatis when talking with Pierce or at the end of the newest chapter.
Director Linch talking to Meryl about Narnia – I wander how much was he talking to her, how much – to Edmund. And how would this conversation look like if Narnian King wouldn’t be present in the room.
<"It is an enmity that could lead to violence," Edmund said.
The Director laughed. "We are Bankers, Harold of Abdon. Not Knights or soldiers." He caught himself before adding, Kings. "We fight our wars with clever words and well applied coin."
Edmund tried to make the obvious rejoinder, but it was better that Sallowpad spoke for him. "Humans kill for money, Director. A Human would certainly kill for a House Directorship.">
Prophet or what?
I am deeply worried about overwhelming presence of Calormene on the Lone Islands. To repair that the Four would need much more time than they actually have. Would you mind to take Edmund for a little walk over Narrowhaven? I would like to have a closer look on the city and I suppose that he as well – once in his life not after grass was painted green (I remember that in her/his review E mentioned making special preparations before visits of Soviet dignitaries. I have similar connotations; where I live a name for all types of that sort of actions is „painting grass green”. Though it should be stressed that such practicies are well known to all political systems, though they are stronger in places where central authorities have more power and are more isolated from „normal” people).
The way you described Edmund’s reaction to rahat was perfect. One could almost fill Jadis’ presence. And that he’s going to vomit.
I hope you are aware, that since you’ve turned you fic into a detective story you’ll have to update it more often? No way we could wait several weeks to find out „who killed”.

Best as always,
Krystyna

still from me

[(Anonymous)]

What's wrong with leaving comments here? You send one, then it disappears.

[autumnia]

I got the fic notification last night just before going to bed, thinking I'll get around to my usual hour-long (more or less) perusal of the chapter this morning. Hah. It's been a long, harried day (real work and two freelance projects instead of one) and this was my reward this evening after getting everything else done and out of the way.

And with that ending to this chapter, you are Evil for making us wait to find out what's going to happen next. Totally unexpected cliffhanger and we go into a more serious story now that is not just about a Not-A-Romance. I love mysteries like this and truly, I'm even more excited to see where you are going to go with this.

[(Anonymous)]

I loved the chapter and I loved the cliffie. I can understand how Ed could blow his cover.

I would think that more folks would put 2 and 2 together now that a lowly clerk ordered around the House of Linch. How ever could you stop folks from telling that tale?

Dr. Dolly

[(Anonymous)]

I loved this chapter (or half of a chapter) so much. You weave together lighthearted comments with the serious and heartfelt topics so well. I am happy to see them sharing more with each other, and trying to help and teach each other. She called him Edmund! Twice! The way you integrated the glimpses of Edmund's past into the earlier conversation, then had it serve a purpose at the end was great. It all felt quite natural. It seems like Morgan has heard the story of the Pevensie's beginnings in Narnia. I wonder if she already knows what Edmund did (though not, of course, the actual toll it took), or if this was left out of the retelling. Is this one of the first times you've actually addresses it in your main stories? I can't remember.

Thanks! I can't wait to read the next part!!!

J.Apple

[(Anonymous)]

The anon. reviewers bring up good points that I'd not thought about and I'm glad you pointed them out. As for my part in the review drop, my answer is finals. I have spent so much time writing papers and such in the last two weeks that I have absolutely no desire, nor ability, to write a coherent review, and my goal when I review is always to help the author if I can and to discuss the more intricate or interesting points (though I'm not doing to well finding the intricate bits in this case) and coherence is rather a must for that, and something I lack at the mo. Sorry about the ramble, I swear I usually make more sense, but I only found out about your fics during a heavy semester, so I'm usually a bit frazzled when I review.

Also, you responded somewhere up there to a person and mentioned a character named Mirrim, and I don't recognize the name at all. Also, I agree with that person: I really want to see Mr Pevensie developed a bit, and more Mrs P (whom I am now thinking may be a Miriam? I'm really excited to see what she will be named eventually.)

I think I've rambled enough for tonight/this morning, so I shall stop now.

~LotL