Never Send A Badger To Do A Mole's Work

[rthstewart]

For adaese and wellinghall who asked why not Badgers in Narnian gardens?

ooOOoo

It had started quietly. But as the moon had risen, so had the voices, louder, more obnoxious, and drunker. And then they began singing that song. That disgusting, reprehensible song.

All night long.

Peter thrashed about in his bed and pulled the pillow over his head even more tightly.

It didn’t help. He could still hear the vile song.

Moose, Moose, I want a moose
I've never had anything quite like a moose
I'd trade Narnia’s sows for one lovely moose
When I'm in the mood for a very good lay
I go to the barn and get me some hay
I open the door and spread it around
'Cause Moose always 'come' when there's hay on the ground

That was the male chorus. Slurred, loud, raspy, and utterly foul. He buried himself into the feather bolster and hoped the females had lapsed in a drunken stupor from eating rotten cherries and would be unable to answer the males’ challenge.

Alas, no.

what's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose.
Said I as I set out to find me a moose
A bear in the winter is furry and warm
And if you don't tickle, he'll do you no harm
In spring try an eagle, his feathers are light
That is if you are not afraid of great height

The female lyric was worse than the male – or maybe it was only that the sows’ voices were as drunken as the males' grunts, but higher pitched.

Woodchucks are all right, except that they bite
And foxes and rabbits won't last through the night
Cows would be fun, but they're hard to seduce
But you never need worry should you find a moose

That did it. The Badgers were as drunk as Skunks. He tossed covers and pillows to the floor, bolted out of bed, stomped to the door, and threw it open. It banged against the stone wall.

“Susan!” he bellowed in the direction of his sister’s bedchamber down the hall. “Susan!”

In summer, I fear you must make do with a boar
But, not to worry, soon fall comes once more
Then you can return to your own faithful moose
And so my dear sisters, I have to confess
Being loved by a moose, it is really the best

The door opened and his sister looked out into the hall at him. She looked suspiciously wide awake. If the lighting were better, Peter would probably notice the smug, victorious expression on her face.

“Fine!” Peter thundered. “I agree! You win! Give the Moles the terms they want! They can work the gardens alone. I do not care! So long as we do not endure this one night more! Do whatever it takes but GET THE BADGERS OUT OF THE ORCHARDS!!”


ooOOoo
And so we learn the reason why the Badgers don’t work in the Narnian gardens is because they sneak off into the orchards and get drunk on the fruit, like this badger did. The Moose Song, as always, is taken from Lord Gyric of Otershaghe's, Bawdy Song Book




ooOOoo

Doctor Dolly asks about Morgan meeting Bacchus for the first time.

-----
Morgan poked a finger straight into the god’s bare chest.

“You will bring back my son in one piece, sober, uninjured, disease-free, and with no hazy memories so shockingly embarrassing they will haunt him the rest of his life. And no wars! Or unplanned trips to distant lands where he wakes up chained to a wall.  Or in poison ivy!”

“And if I do not?” Bacchus taunted, his wine-stained lips pulled back in a mocking smile.

“You’ll live just long enough to regret it!”

“You threaten a god?”

“Yes,” Morgan replied. “Aslan owes me a lifetime of favours.  I'll call in the debt from him."  She poked the god again.

“Bring.”

Poke
“Back.”

Poke
“My son.”

Poke
“In one piece.”

Poke
“Or the Lion eats you."