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rthstewart) wrote2009-10-22 06:56 am
The Party of the First and Second Part
“Thank Aslan.” Jalur muttered it low enough so that only Lambert would hear.
“Indeed,” the He-Wolf agreed, as they observed Queen Lucy’s retinue file through the gates. “King Edmund made Cook cry yesterday and so we are eating stewed pig intestine tonight.”
“I can smell the stench from here,” Jalur grumbled.
Lambert licked his chomps and stood, wagging his tail in greeting. “One Beast’s Feast is another Beast’s Famine.” With that, the Wolf leaped down from the steps to join the thronging welcome as Cair Paravel turned out to welcome Queen Lucy back from her two week duty in the Telmar River basin and that Beaver lodge business.
Jalur yawned, still keeping an eye on King Edmund as a Guard should do. The King was brimming with so much twisting tension, he had infuriated or offended everyone in the Palace. Jalur was weary to death of the King’s relentless drilling in the barracks’ yard; King Edmund had been so furious during the training skirmishes, even the Swordmaster, Sir Leszi, had asked for a day’s relief to nurse tortured muscles and aching bones. The endless swimming in the Pond, and at all hours, had become very tedious as well. Jalur did not think his fur had been dry for a week.
So it was with a collectively held breath that everyone who had endured King Edmund’s moods, wrath, and irascibility for the last two weeks watched anxiously for the arrival of their much needed reprieve. Said reprieve came in the form of Evil Banker Morgan of the House of Linch. The Lady slid inelegantly off her passive, dumb mare, thudding to the ground, and steadied by groom.
To Jalur’s eye, neither King Edmund nor Lady Morgan noticed how everyone else around them parted, giving the King a very wide berth. He saw the Queen Susan whisper something to the Queen Lucy. Though there was too much noise for him to hear what the Queens exchanged, it was not difficult to guess the content. The Queen Lucy laughed, waved in Lady Morgan’s direction, and looping arms with Queen Susan, joined her sister in climbing the Palace steps.
As the Queens passed him, Queen Susan, paused in their climb, and bent towards him. “Jalur, for the sake of all of us, please see that my brother and Lady Morgan retire somewhere privately as quickly as possible. None of us wishes to see him again until supper, which he is required to attend as it his fault we are eating stewed pig offal.”
“I understand, Queen Susan.”
The Queens and the rest of the crowed milled up into the castle for what Jalur knew was to be a very hearty tea, courtesy of Mr. Hoberry and Mrs. Furner, though he understood the Dwarfess, true to her kind, was fond of stewed intestines.
Oh for the sake of the Lion!
All this agony – two whole weeks of misery – and the two of them were just standing there?
Jina, Lady Hound and Guard to Lady Morgan approached the frozen pair. She was no longer wearing the corset, which really was as ridiculous on a Hound as it was on a Human, in Jalur’s opinion. Jalur could sense the Hound’s weary resignation from this distance.
Time to take matters into his own paws. Jalur jumped down to the courtyard from the marbled steps.
Taxes. They were talking about that excise taxes on alcoholic beverages, tanned hides, wooden arrows, and game birds, and the political ramifications of the taxes and why they were higher for Narnian wines than Calormene wines.
Jalur had no compunction whatsoever about interrupting. He recognized well enough what was occurring between the two Humans even though they were too insensitively stupid themselves. “Welcome back, Lady Morgan.”
“Thank you, Sir Jalur.” Lady Morgan hesitated when she spoke. However, as every Cair Paravel Beast knew, the Banker was not comfortable in a Human pack and spoke more easily with Beasts than with others of her own kind. “Has …” she paused again, painfully searching for conversational words.
“Has all been well here?” he prompted.
“Yes,” she said. “Has all been well here?”
“No,” Jalur stated flatly. “We are very glad to see you, for King Edmund has been horrible these last two weeks.”
“That’s enough, Jalur!” the King snapped.
Really, this merited no response at all. Jalur thought himself quite polite, particularly given that he had borne the brunt of the King’s ill temper. “And your journey, Lady Morgan, Lady Hound?”
When Lady Morgan made to stammer and hedge as was her wont, Jina stepped in conversationally.
“We have had a good and productive journey. While not unbearable, Lady Morgan has, been very eager to return to Cair Paravel and has encouraged us at all possible speed.”
“Jina!” Lady Morgan muttered.
Jina looked at Morgan. Morgan stared at the ground. Jalur looked at King Edmund. King Edmund stared at the ground.
The Hound sighed. The billowing tension between the two Humans was straining Jalur’s last danced upon, poor nerve, and he did not have the sensitivity of the Hound. He caught Jina’s eye, and on one, two, three…
So coordinated, he shoved King Edmund in the back toward Lady Morgan as Jina similarly nudged the Lady toward the King.
“Oof!” “Sorry!” “Jalur!”
“Jina and I will now proceed to your rooms, King Edmund. You both must accompany us.”
“Perhaps Lady Morgan would prefer to go to her own rooms briefly first, to change her clothing and wash off the dirt of the road?” Jina asked.
“I don’t see why,” Jalur countered. “She’s going to be taking that gown off as soon as she is in King Edmund’s rooms regardless. If she needs anything else, the whole of Cair Paravel would obligingly bring it to King Edmund’s rooms to avoid one more moment of his temper.”
King Edmund made a strangled protesting sound.
Lady Morgan snorted.
“You both are very stupid, even for Humans.”
***
Wrasse had warned him there would be a lot of talking. After more than three years as Palace Guard, Jalur wasn’t inexperienced with these matters, though they did tend to occur more during the Night Guard watch.
“Whereas Party of the First Part desires to amend hereto contract previously entered into and attached hereto as Exhibit A and Party of the Second Part had agreed to said amendments, now therefore it is agreed as follows.
Terms and Conditions…”
“Harold?”
“Yes?”
“I feel we are beginning this on an undesirably unequal footing. Please remove your shirt.”
“The point is well taken. Would the Party of the First Part like to assist the Party of the Second Part?”
“No. The Party of the First Part would like to watch the Party of the Second Part remove his shirt by himself.”
“I shall require adequate compensation for doing so, Banker Morgan.”
“Might we defer that compensation?”
“No. The Party of the Second Part demands some token but immediate performance by the Party of the First Part.”
“Before or after the Party of the Second Part removes his shirt unaided by the Party of the First Part?”
“Before. I would not like us to immediately devolve into punitive actions.”
“Certainly not. It’s still daylight and far too early for punitive actions. Very well, shall performance be from one of the enumerated options in Exhibit B, or should I improvise?”
“How did you know of Exhibit B? We have not yet even been through the Terms and Conditions.”
“I read it while you were unlacing my gown, Harold.”
“The Party of the Second Part demands improvisation.”
“Very well.”
Things were a bit quieter then. Jalur found a patch of sunlight at the hallway’s end and stretched out. Some time passed.
“Is the Party of the Second Part satisfied with that improvised performance?”
There were some of those tedious, inarticulate sounds Humans made that always sounded alarming, but weren’t.
“But we’ve not yet even made it through the Terms and Conditions! The Party of the First Part demands reciprocal performance, so off with the shirt, Party of the Second Part!”
Ahhh, Jalur thought, yawning. Finally. Quiet. Then…
“More slowly, Harold.”
A few minutes of contented silence, then the blasted talking started again.
“Hullo? Party of the First Part? Are you well? You seem a mite flustered.”
“Fine,” squeaked the Party of the First Part. “I’m Fine. But…”
“Yes? … What was that, Party of the First Part? I did not hear you adequately through all that sighing.”
There were some murmurings of the sort that were more typical of these outings. Regrettably, as the Just King and Lady Morgan were in no way approximating of normalcy, they did not continue.
“Oh, I see. The Party of the First Part does not wish for Party of the Second Part to stop with merely his shirt?”
“Yes,” the Part of the First Part said faintly.
“Yes you wish me to remove more clothing, or yes you wish me to stop? The Party of the First Part needs to make her desires known with greater specificity than mumbling with inarticulate longing.”
“That’s quite enough, Harold!” shouted the Party of the Second Part. “I’m performing Item 12(b)(iv) from Exhibit B on you right now and see how you like that!”
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And yes, this is certainly not children's Narnia.
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The stewed pig intestines! Really, Susan should insist on some sort of recompense from her brother since Cook decided to punish all of them with such a meal.
As I said previously, King and Banker really do have an interesting relationship. Honestly, everyone knows about their attachment to each other yet they still can't seem to get past their beginner's dance without help from Jalur and Jina. And bravo to both Good Beasts for saying what Morgan and Edmund would not to each other.
Really, after reading "The Palace Guard", one gets so much more out of what the Guards experience as they keep watch on their Kings and Queens. I bet the Physician hasn't heard of a courtship ritual such as the one between Morgan and Edmund!
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I thoroughly enjoyed it, though. And, while it's completely true that this is not your child's Narnia, it is lovely and wonderful and oh so amusing.
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(Anonymous) 2009-10-23 07:57 am (UTC)(link)Stewed pig intestine and the requirement to attend supper? I didn't realise Cook could be driven to tears. Shouting and temper tantrums, yes, but tears, no. Harold must have been truly awful.
Not the children's Narnia - sure. More - yes, please!
Min
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And thank you!
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Best line ever.
I love how awkward and silly Harold and Morgan seem to the animals - the best part of this is seeing it through the eyes of creatures that are just so frank about what they want and think. I can't wait until I stop being such a lazy ass and read the rest of your stuff. I'll have it ALL read by the time the NFFR Con rolls around! haha
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DEEEEEEEELISH
(Anonymous) 2009-10-24 02:53 pm (UTC)(link)Heehee...I loved the peek into the bedroom. Doing it from Jalur's POV was genius: it was naughty but not to the point where it's TMI. Though I would LOVE for some TMI. ;)
More is greatly looked forward to, even if it DOES take me a few days to figure out how to navigate LiveJournal! :P
-Tasty
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I love it, of course - the two Parties are both, as you know, well-adored by yours truly. And more Jalur-view is ALWAYS welcome.
Me gusta mucho how Jalur and Jina shoved the two idiots...er, humans...together. And the contract! If only it was all that fun in real life, huh?
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(One tiny little nitpick--you spelled 'Aslan' wrong at the very beginning.)
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that was awesome! I spat all my water over the computer screen and started laughing so hard my sister rushed up in worry.
thankyou.
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Glad I found this! You mentioned that a revised version will turn up at ff.net before long - I'm looking forward to it!
Did I remember to tell you that I like Morgan?