For Cofax -- a blast from my past

[rthstewart]

For cofax7 
So, I really wanted to write something original and new, involving Leia Organa, Dana Scully, and Susan Pevensie and Agent Carter discussing career planning at Peggy's retirement party at a B&B on Chincoteague Island where they all bitch about getting lost in the Pentagon parking lot and maybe a dead body turns up. But that's plot and story and I just didn't have time. So, let's add that to the to-do list.

What I offer instead is something from a very, very long time ago, when I was deep into writing X-Jedi 2 -- a Star Wars/Xfiles crossover with Han, Leia, Luke and Mara wandering about DC with Mulder and Scully, dancing the macarena, smashing blue crabs, visiting the LGBs, blowing stuff up, going to a shooting range where Mara and Leia tried a slug-thrower, and trying to find Mulder's lost spooky. I wrote it with the incomparable Ginef and JackieeC and you can still find the story in odd places on the Internet though as far as I know we never archived it anywhere. This was written after XJ2, and was posted to the Club Jade listserve and expresses enormous fan frustration with ridiculous plots and no RST. It might be have been a collaboration with Ginef and Jackie, or it might have been just me. So, Cofax, I hope a line or two gives you some amusement this day. It does assume, alas, some familiarity with the character of Mara Jade and spoofs the end of The Last Command.

Lorton Reproductive and Fertility Clinic

Lorton, VA 2:42 am

Han's voice crackled over the comm, "Luke, buddy, better tell me what's going on up in that conference room."

Luke had to shout above the din, "We're a little busy right now, Han." With characteristic understatement, "little busy" did not begin to describe the carnage. "Mulder and I are trapped under piles of office furniture, Han. And the Cancer's Man's got Dana fighting what looks like a clone of Mulder."

Now Leia whispered in his mind, "Luke, you've got three minutes. Han's rigged the power conduits in a way that wouldn't even work in our galaxy. The Spaarti culture medium in these 150 cylinders is going to react rather badly when we send 10,000 volts through the nutrient pipes."

"Better get out of there, we'll catch up." Luke struggled again from under the filing cabinet, as another lancing arrow of pain shot through him.

"Your feeble powers are no match for me, BOY," Cancer Man sneered. Luke did wonder where Dana had picked up light saber training. She was advancing now, the blue saber gleaming in her hands, Muulder backing up, apparently unknowing towards the conference room audiovisual center.

Cancer Man, seeing the faltering of his abomination stretched his hand to Scully, blue lightening flashing, it connected instead with the edge of Mara's light saber.

"I've just about had enough of you," Mara gritted, buckling under the weight of the assault. They all were diverted by a rending shriek. Dana's ruse had been successful. Muulder had tripped over a power extension cord and fallen back into the AV center, hitting his head on that vid thing, and what looked like an image of a really large purple dewback, standing on its hind legs, singing.

Muulder screamed, dropping his lightsaber, throwing his hands up to cover his face.

"Mulder," Dana shouted, as she wound up for the backswing, "I've been wanting to do this for a long time." With a sickening slice and another scream, Dana at last, finally relented to the impulse, and clove Muulder in half. She dropped the lightsaber, and ran to the real Mulder, trapped and groaning under a really large, upended ficus tree.

Cancer Man laughed maniacally. "Well done, Agent Scully. But did you think it would save you?" He sent a chair sailing in her direction, she ducked under the planter.

"Mulder, Mulder, are you all right?"

"Scully, you finally did it, you killed me!! Are you feeling better now?"

Luke renewed his efforts to free himself from the filing cabinet. With the Cancer Man diverted by Mara, there might just be a chance.

Mara stalked toward the cigarettesmokingman/rebornEmperor/son/grandson/whateverthehellhewas, saber pointed deadly and unerring. "I will deal with you now. No one has the right to endanger so many with second hand smoke."

"But Mara Jade, did you not know, I have foreseen you kneeling before me."

"Try again, you bastard." Proud words but Mara began to crumple, under the force of his ponderous power.

"NO!!!" Luke shouted, for lack of a better word. Despite the piercing pain to his temples, he began sending a barrage of light office objects toward the evil one: pencil sharpeners, notepads, coffee mugs with "Your Egg and You".... A Microsoft Office software package sailed across the room, hitting Cancer Man square in the jaw. Luke felt Mulder and Scully now joining him in his assault. They began working the overhead track lighting, and a fixture fell, opening a hole in the ceiling, and hitting Cancer Man.

Mara stumbled forward, and in one mighty effort, freed herself from his chokehold. Falling to her knees, she thrust the lightsaber up, and through the throat of the hated man. As before, his death released massive Dark Side energy. Luke squirmed out from under the cabinet and with Mulder and Scully, they gently pulled Mara away from the blue fire.

"Han's gonna blow this place in a minute," Luke shouted. "And then we'll have more nutrients flying around than a breakfast cereal!" The four raced through the building, bursting out the front door as an earthquake shook the ground.

In the parking lot, they caught up with Han and Leia. Assured that the others weren't injured, Scully turned her doctoring to Mulder, who kept brushing her off. "I don't want to be treated, Scully. Your patients are all corpses."

She was dabbing a bloody smear on his chin, "Mulder, I've already killed you once today, don't make me do it again."

"Sculllyyyyy," he whined, taking both her hands in his.

"What?!" she said, exasperated.

"Just this." Mulder bent down, wrapping her in his arms, and planted a very firm kiss on the lips of his best friend.

Mara turned away, color rising, obviously embarrassed. She stumbled over to Luke, who was leaning against a Winnebago, an amused expression on his face. "Yo, smuggler." He was grinning like an idiot.

"What?!" she said, exasperated.

Luke grabbed her hand, twisting her around so that now she was leaning up against the Winnebago. He put a gritty hand to her face. "Tilt your head to the right," he ordered.

"Why?!"

"'Cause I'm going to kiss you."

He did so.

[<Sounds of wild cheering among cast and crew as Scully and Mulder,
and Luke and Mara swap dental recommendations.>]

CUT!!! A voice booms out on the set.

The actors part from lip locks.

Chris Carter and George Lucas stride out on to the set.

Carter: "What do you think you are doing?"

Lucas: "Kissing isn't in the script!!"

Duchovny and Anderson, in tandem: "We decided to ad lib it."

Actors playing Mara and Luke: "So did we."

Lucas: [<<shrieking>>] Ad lib?

All actors: Yeah.

Carter: You can't do that, it'll have to come out.

Actor playing Luke: Well, why? We all deserve happy endings.

Lucas: No you don't. Since my own marriage fell apart, I see no reason why I should let you have a happy one.

Actor playing Mara [<DON'T GO THERE IMAGINE RULA LENSKA>]: What about me?

Lucas: You are going to end up with Talon Karrde.

Actor playing Mara rolling her eyes: Yeah right, geez, he's practically my father. I hate kissing old men with facial hair.

Anderson: Chris, what about Scully and Mulder. Why can't they kiss?

Carter: Because in two weeks, Mulder is going to sleep with the Unablonde and you are going to have a one night stand with a liver cancer eating mutant vampire.

Duchovny: I'd rather kiss Scully.

Anderson: Vampire?

Lucas: Besides, you all are missing the point.

Actors [all]: That being?

Carter: If you all kiss, then we won't have any viewer interest in XJedi 4,5 and 6.

Lucas: Or their prequels, XJedi .25, .5 and .75.

Carter: Besides, you all get percentages of the gross.

Lucas: There will be a lot more gross if we keep the audience going. Only Unresolved Sexual Tension sells.

Lucas and Carter: What do you think this is?? Fan fic?

 

 

Cross posting problems -- entry is here for now, http://rthstewart.livejournal.com/122541.html

Comments

[edenfalling]

Ahahahaha, beautiful!

[transposable_element]

I really wanted to write something original and new, involving Leia Organa, Dana Scully, and Susan Pevensie and Agent Carter discussing career planning at Peggy's retirement party at a B&B on Chincoteague Island where they all bitch about getting lost in the Pentagon parking lot and maybe a dead body turns up.

Want!

[cofax7]

HAH! That was very fun. I particularly loved Scully light-sabering Muulder.

But... Really? Mara Jade ends up with Talon Carde? Ewww. (You can tell my familiarity with the EU is limited.)

Thank you for sharing it!

Mwah!