(OKAY I AM SORRY BECAUSE THIS IS WAY LONGER THAN THREE SENTENCES, I COULDN'T HELP IT, PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING CARRIED AWAY! BUT THIS IS SOME HIGH DRAMA AND I JUST COULDN'T STOP! ALSO I HAD TO GO WHERE THE SONG TOOK ME!)
"Jon, I don't want this to change your decision."
"Of course it does!" His tone was shocked, and she thought she'd see the hurt in his eyes, if she was strong enough to meet them. "Susan, you're having our baby."
His voice was filled with wonder with those last two words, and she couldn't help but look up at him, feeling her heart tear at the expression on his face. "I know, but your vows. You're Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, Jon. I know how much it means to you, and I know you want to go back."
"I do. I did." And Susan could read the conflict plain on his face, could hear it in his voice, feel it in his body as his hand shook, holding hers. "But how can this not change things?"
She shook her head, and she was no longer just squeezing his hand, but clinging to it tightly. She was ashamed of that, holding on to him like that when she should be pulling away, but she couldn't help it. "Jon. I was very selfish in coming here." She held up her other hand as he looked about to interrupt. "No, let me say this. I was selfish. Coming here like this -- I've interrupted your life. I've put you in a terrible position. You can't be with me, and be who you want -- who you need to be. You can't do your duty with me in your life. I know, you've tried the best you could. And I think... I think I've helped you a little, with what you needed to do. But now…" She took a deep breath. "You have your duty, and there are so many things you must do. And you can't do that with me tied to you. I don't want to make you choose me and regret it. Even with this baby… I can't ask you to choose me."
"— You came here and you saved my life. Seven hells, Susan! How do you think I would have survived, without you?" He shook his head angrily, although his voice went low. "That isn't the only way you saved me. I was… dead inside. You… He trailed off, and scrubbed a hand over his face. "I'm not saying this right. It's just… I can't live without you, don't you know that?" And he gripped her hand so hard, she was afraid she'd hear bones crack, as he stared at her, grey eyes smoke dark and imploring.
She carried his child, and she was still delighted over it, no matter how hard this was, but her hand curled over her belly protectively. "But, Jon… the Wall… the Night's Watch… you're the Lord Commander. The Wall is yours."
"It doesn't matter." He must have seen that fear in her face, for he squeezed her hand tight again. "I won't go back to the Wall. It's not worth giving you up." And his other hand came to rest on her belly, covering hers. "Giving up my family."
She slid her hand out from under his, lifting it to cup his cheek, gently stroking her fingers over his scars. "But you were just speaking of your duty to the Night's Watch yesterday, my darling."
He tilted his head, leaning into her touch. "I know, but I assumed you'd be by my side, no matter my vows." His mouth twisted in a bitter grin. "I guess I wasn't thinking that through very well, was I?"
"I don't want you to dishonor yourself for me, Jon," she whispered, throat tight and eyes stinging. "You can go back to the Wall and do your duty, and I won't hold you to me." His hand flexed on her belly, and she swallowed hard. "To us."
He blinked, and she could see his eyes were as wet as her own. "But if I did that… what would you do?"
She took a deep breath. "I'd go back to Narnia. There's no place for me here, if not with you. And with this child, I can't be by your side all the time. I can't fight with you when I'll have a child to care for."
"You would leave me alone?" His voice was so small and his face so sad and she could see the boy that still lived inside the man, just as she always could, from the very first time she met him. She remembered the few times before she'd heard that voice from him, and Susan cursed herself for what she was doing.
That look on his face broke her, and she couldn't hold back her tears any longer. Susan sobbed. "I couldn't stay here, could I?"
"Susan, please…" And his voice wasn't just small, but broken, as he said those two words. She could feel the tears on his cheek, as her fingers traced over his scars.
She couldn't stop her own tears, and oh, she was the most selfish woman that ever lived, because she knew she couldn't leave, she would stay right here with him, and change his life. There would be regrets, she was sure, regrets and repercussions over her decision. "I'm afraid, if I stay, you might… grow to resent me, for what you give up."
He shook his head, and his eyes went dark as smoke. "Stop talking fucking nonsense, Susan! What I give up? What about what I get? I get the woman I've loved more than anything, more than anyone I've ever known, who I thought was lost to me forever. And I get a family. I'll give up anything for that."
Narnia/GoT Susan Pevensie/Jon Snow, give you my wild, give you a child
"Jon, I don't want this to change your decision."
"Of course it does!" His tone was shocked, and she thought she'd see the hurt in his eyes, if she was strong enough to meet them. "Susan, you're having our baby."
His voice was filled with wonder with those last two words, and she couldn't help but look up at him, feeling her heart tear at the expression on his face. "I know, but your vows. You're Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, Jon. I know how much it means to you, and I know you want to go back."
"I do. I did." And Susan could read the conflict plain on his face, could hear it in his voice, feel it in his body as his hand shook, holding hers. "But how can this not change things?"
She shook her head, and she was no longer just squeezing his hand, but clinging to it tightly. She was ashamed of that, holding on to him like that when she should be pulling away, but she couldn't help it. "Jon. I was very selfish in coming here." She held up her other hand as he looked about to interrupt. "No, let me say this. I was selfish. Coming here like this -- I've interrupted your life. I've put you in a terrible position. You can't be with me, and be who you want -- who you need to be. You can't do your duty with me in your life. I know, you've tried the best you could. And I think... I think I've helped you a little, with what you needed to do. But now…" She took a deep breath. "You have your duty, and there are so many things you must do. And you can't do that with me tied to you. I don't want to make you choose me and regret it. Even with this baby… I can't ask you to choose me."
"— You came here and you saved my life. Seven hells, Susan! How do you think I would have survived, without you?" He shook his head angrily, although his voice went low. "That isn't the only way you saved me. I was… dead inside. You… He trailed off, and scrubbed a hand over his face. "I'm not saying this right. It's just… I can't live without you, don't you know that?" And he gripped her hand so hard, she was afraid she'd hear bones crack, as he stared at her, grey eyes smoke dark and imploring.
She carried his child, and she was still delighted over it, no matter how hard this was, but her hand curled over her belly protectively. "But, Jon… the Wall… the Night's Watch… you're the Lord Commander. The Wall is yours."
"It doesn't matter." He must have seen that fear in her face, for he squeezed her hand tight again. "I won't go back to the Wall. It's not worth giving you up." And his other hand came to rest on her belly, covering hers. "Giving up my family."
She slid her hand out from under his, lifting it to cup his cheek, gently stroking her fingers over his scars. "But you were just speaking of your duty to the Night's Watch yesterday, my darling."
He tilted his head, leaning into her touch. "I know, but I assumed you'd be by my side, no matter my vows." His mouth twisted in a bitter grin. "I guess I wasn't thinking that through very well, was I?"
"I don't want you to dishonor yourself for me, Jon," she whispered, throat tight and eyes stinging. "You can go back to the Wall and do your duty, and I won't hold you to me." His hand flexed on her belly, and she swallowed hard. "To us."
He blinked, and she could see his eyes were as wet as her own. "But if I did that… what would you do?"
She took a deep breath. "I'd go back to Narnia. There's no place for me here, if not with you. And with this child, I can't be by your side all the time. I can't fight with you when I'll have a child to care for."
"You would leave me alone?" His voice was so small and his face so sad and she could see the boy that still lived inside the man, just as she always could, from the very first time she met him. She remembered the few times before she'd heard that voice from him, and Susan cursed herself for what she was doing.
That look on his face broke her, and she couldn't hold back her tears any longer. Susan sobbed. "I couldn't stay here, could I?"
"Susan, please…" And his voice wasn't just small, but broken, as he said those two words. She could feel the tears on his cheek, as her fingers traced over his scars.
She couldn't stop her own tears, and oh, she was the most selfish woman that ever lived, because she knew she couldn't leave, she would stay right here with him, and change his life. There would be regrets, she was sure, regrets and repercussions over her decision. "I'm afraid, if I stay, you might… grow to resent me, for what you give up."
He shook his head, and his eyes went dark as smoke. "Stop talking fucking nonsense, Susan! What I give up? What about what I get? I get the woman I've loved more than anything, more than anyone I've ever known, who I thought was lost to me forever. And I get a family. I'll give up anything for that."